Dear u, hear me.

For u, future companion.

have your ears on me.

i wanna talk to u tonight.

not like the other day i'm talking to, cause tonight i have things to share with.

obviously, sincere from inner part of me :)

that u rarely seen.

i apologize for the days that i've been annoying.

for those days i troubled u, piss u off and made u uncomfortable.

really apologize.

and sorry if u found me complicated not as in the beginning.

beyond all of that, i want u to know.

i never intend to.

crazy, no one would intend to hurt people they love aite?

so do i. but u could see what person i am standing for.

this is me. 

u would know me well.

just, be patience :)

with my behavior and innerself.

u would see my every side if u urge to know and willing to understand.

i know i've been compeller sometimes and not being understanding this lately.

sorry sorry sorry. i'm out of my mind.

me myself don't know why i can't even split from u.

don't know why it's hard for me to not hearing your voice.

don't know why can't go a day without u with.

we do quarrel on this and i know u was right. i agree u in every sentence.

but u know i was spoiled before, so i end up sulking.

yaa know. my bad. i shouldn't have to. but sorry, for 21 years i'm living spoiled.

and says, i mmg manja ntah apa. haha

and i was still trying to live an adult way. guide me too. u know, since i was a lil girl.

i wish that i could be reborn as a eldest daughter.

cause i wanna be mature as the elder. haha

glad that u're always correct me. my behaviour.

glad that u mad at me at my worst. mind me when i'm wrong.

intentionally, i love it when u mad. cause u would tell me the right things i should do. 

i'm glad having u with me. i feel guided. and i feel loved.

thank u :)

see me, my changes. sorry if it suffocating u.

hear me..

this year, this few lately. i've been coped with too many sad news.

heartbreaking things and such things.

tahun ni je i coped with two different diseases been diagnosed.

the one that i go through minor surgery a year ago, baru tahun ni dapat tau penyakit sebenar.

know it well, procedure hospital mmg dorang tak akan cakap pnyakit tu sampai dah nak teruk.

truth is, it tear me apart. 

and now i really concern bout it after a year i go ate anything at will.

now that i'm at chronic gastritis. just pray that it won't get worst.

most important things in order to get better is to avoid pressure as well the doctor said.

my condition will be worst if i am underpressure.

so sorry if perasan i merapu ntah apa it causes of i am bear with the pain but at the same time i won't let u go.

haha i'm a spoiled youngest daughter. sorry

and most worst of this year is i have to cope with really bad nerve disorders.

sakit. sakit sampai it turns me to silent person.

now i lagi banyak diam and duduk diam.

really sometimes i rasa macam i'm not capable of doing many things.

and i just sit alone and cope with my problems alone.

i'm not sigh. i retreat my part. and i am trying to be strong :)

*u marah mengeluh. haha

most of the times i felt down. but u said i shouldn't. and now i'm not anymore.

i am raising my spirit up. and thanks that u're here with me :)

please do, if i tell u that i am down again just slap me on my face. haha

tak nak lah tengok i hari2 badan tak bermaya kan?

kna kuat. kna lawan. i am strong.

and last week i got a news. truly quite surprised.

i don't know how myself would cope with these three bad news in the near month.

dah berapa lama i going through physiotherapy and last month buat x ray tak ada apa pun.

i don't truly know cause last month punya x ray i don't see it myself. but this month i did.

somehow tiba2 doctor admit that my lumbar isn't normal.

sakit. only God knows when the therapist hold my back. 

i go surprised when i see the x ray. i tak percaya pun.

sampai balik i deny it to my mum.

and sampai sekarang i am still deny it.

i pray for miracle happens. u, pray for me too :)

somehow i harap there's something wrong with the film and that was totally a mistake.

just like in the drama lah. ameen

and recently this is me. i go sensitive. really sensitive person.

frankly, i'm in a weak condition.

u know that sometimes i laugh at myself. for i can't even do a proper small things.

my hands, my legs go through muscle weakness. 

sometimes i tak rasa pun tangan i. has no sense.

banyak benda yang buat i down. just imagine how can't i smile at myself

when i can't even hold a toothpaste better.

i jatuhkan ubat gigi masa nak letak ubatnya. kelakar. i laugh alone in shower.

pegang ubat gigi pun cacat camtu. haha. silly me

worst part is, i rasa nak nangis dkat mall. u know why?

cause now i can't have proper walk sometimes.

kadang2 i tengah jalan kaki rasa sakit sangat and i'm forced to stop.

and i punch my leg. deep in me rasa nak nangis kat situ jugak. 

and sometimes when i stand, dan2 rasa nak rebah kat situ.

i pnah gelak kat diri sendiri bla i bangun tdo nak berdiri but rebah terjelepok tepi katil.

legs just too weak. sometimes i rasa cacat as i'm capable of doing basis well :)

i just keep crying and cry until i relieved. and then i remember those words.

'bersabar wahai hati..u have to be strong'

and i go at spirit again. i go smile again.

i know those things gave a lot of changes in me.

included mood changes. and i'm sorry if it affected u. 

i just want u to know, i never intend to hurt people i love.

if i did, know that it was beyond my control.

am still trying to cope with all of those. and i do hope u would not be affected by me.

if i marah2 ntah apa, mengada ntah apa, cakap mengarut i'm sorry.

just don't get affected by my behavior. u're not worth it.

if i melampau sangat tampar je k. haha

don't pity me for any of those. i don't need it. don't dare to do so.

just be with me and i'll endure it smoother.

share me your strength and your love. and i'll be better :)

out of that.. guide me, advice me, scold me at any should.

ignore if i sulk. cause it is me who love to tease u sometimes :)

accept me for who i am. cope with my weakness and my superiority. 

thanks for always be there for me. always accompany me.

calm me when i cry. scold me when i'm mengada. haha

layan ja karenah i walaupun agak ntah apa2 :) 

u'll be a great companion :)

i thank u in advanced for loving me.

may God bless us.

Life isn't meant to be easy. It's hard to being on the top or on the bottom. I can say that no one can confidently say that he will still be living tomorrow or even die tomorrow. Everything is with Allah's will. And I really hope miracle will happen and we can still standing each other and fulfilling our dreams. I’ve always been looking for a man who will love me for who I am, who will accept me for what I am and not will change me to fit his desire. I’m so lucky to find that man, the man who loves me and the man who I Love.